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Smokers of the World Unite! -- April 9, 2003 The famous writer Austin O’Malley once said, “It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie.” This is certainly the case with our smoking policy. For years, public health officials have been telling us that smoking is bad for us. They say that smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema and large jury verdicts. However, this is only half of the story. The other half of the story is that smoking is good for society. Despite what your state health organization says in its public service announcements, the whole truth is that it wants people to smoke. In fact, it needs people to smoke. If consumers don’t support the tobacco companies, then how are they going to pay out billions of dollars to the state each year? If you think I’m being overdramatic, then perhaps you can explain why 37 states are fighting for the tobacco companies in their most recent lawsuit in Illinois. In this suit, a group of plaintiffs claimed they were defrauded by Philip Morris and friends into believing that “light” cigarettes were less harmful. Let me first say that this lawsuit makes less sense than O.J.’s defense in the civil trial. No one chooses their brand of cigarette based on a cost-benefit analysis. After all, even Arthur Andersen accountants couldn’t make the numbers come out in favor of smoking. People choose one brand over another for pretty much the same reason men choose one woman over another – she was available at the time and cheap. However, the judge presiding over the case (likely a non-smoker) sees things differently. As a result, he awarded $10.1 billion to the plaintiffs. This verdict sent a panic through state houses across the country. State legislators realized that if the tobacco companies had to pay out in this case, they wouldn’t have enough money to pay into the tobacco settlement fund. As a result, several states sent their top attorneys to Illinois to assist the tobacco companies in filing an immediate appeal. Apparently, the only thing more addictive than nicotine is the tobacco settlement fund. Across the country, legislators have based their budgets on these funds. If the tobacco companies go bankrupt, then several states will be in serious fiscal trouble. For instance, Vermont has already spent the $13 million it expects to receive from Philip Morris this year. Likewise, Washington has already spent its anticipated $53 million windfall. Even more, New York, Virginia and California had bigger plans in store for the money. Instead of simply collecting millions each year, they intended to sell bonds backed by these funds. As a result, they expected to reap billions of dollars this year to shore up their budget shortfalls. Therefore, to my fellow smokers, this is a call to arms. For years, we’ve been ostracized and criticized. We’ve allowed non-smokers to push us out of the best seats in restaurants. We’ve been banned from most places of employment. In short, we’ve been treated like African Americans; but without our own History Month. Well, as a black man and a smoker, I’m sick of it! We pay their taxes. We pay for their schools, their hospitals and even the rent for the governor’s mistress. In short, we make their way of life possible. This being the case, I make the following demands on behalf of all smokers. First, we want to go back to the 1950s when you could smoke in restaurants, bars and operating rooms. Second, we want people to start supplying ashtrays so we don’t have to litter or worse, store the butts in our pockets. Finally, we want lighters capable of operation without a Ph.D. in Physics and a third thumb. If these demands are not met, we will stop smoking effective immediately. In just days, your schools and public services will fall into disarray (well, even worse disarray). In addition, our rapid weight gains will further crumble public hospital budgets; not to mention sidewalks. Finally, with 20 million irritable smokers walking the streets, the West Bank will seem peaceful by comparison. You have 24 hours to meet our demands. I’ll be sitting here chewing Nicorettes while I await your answer. If you enjoyed this article, then you will love Sean Carter's collection of irreverent legal commentaries, 2002: A Lawpsided Year in Review. This hilarious e-book may be purchased for $7.95 by clicking here. Also, to view other recent commentaries, click here. Also, please feel free to sound off about this article on our new message board. |
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